It wasn’t exactly a dark and stormy night, but times were pretty bad to Chris’s way of thinking. Christopher Wells was one of the best sheep ranchers in all the land. He had formerly owned a nice little medium-size ranch over in Muskogee, Oklahoma. Many years ago, he  seized upon an opportunity to buy the largest sheep ranch in the whole world. At least it was the largest when he got possession of the deed and the sheep.

The ranch was located in the heart of Dallas, Texas. It had been formerly owned by Georgie Two Witt. In all the whole world of sheep ranching, Georgie had risen to the top like cream on goat’s milk. Georgie's fame went all the way to the steps of the Capitol of the Unites States in Washington D. C. Old "Golden-tongue Two Witt" was what they had called him. But old "Golden-tongue" had moved on to greener pastures up above where all good sheep ranchers go. And the ranch had been sold to Chris, who was no slouch himself when it came to wiggling a tongue.

In the intervening years since he had sold his spread in Oklahoma and gone down across the Red River, large scale sheep ranching had become quite popular. Shoot, there were many sheep ranches larger than his own. Some of these larger ranches could be found in Oklahoma, Florida, California, and other remote states. But when Chris took possession of his large ranch in Texas, there was nothing which came close to rivaling it. There simply was no other sheep ranch quite like the one Chris Wells owned.

Chris was a pretty good sheep rancher. For years his style of ranching was admired by all the sheep ranchers in the Southern Brotherhood of Sheep Ranchers (SBSR). Most SBSR ranchers laid awake at night dreaming about how they could grow their ranches into spreads just like the one Chris had. For many years, the younger SBSR ranchers dreamed of the day when they could own a ranch like the one in Texas. In fact, many of them fanaticized of the day when Chris would retire and sell his ranch to one of them. The younger ranchers, the ones just out of sheep ranching school, patterned their style and dreams after Chris. They could talk like Chris, walk like Chris, and even wore the same brand of overalls Chris wore.

Chris was well respected in the SBSR. He was a very articulate man and was much in demand as a speaker at sheep rancher's conventions. He had twice been president of the SBSR. His influence in the organization was immeasurable. In fact, it was next to incredible. When he spoke at the conventions, the ranchers would hang on to every word of his speeches. He usually gave the keynote speeches at the prime times. Younger ranchers would fight for front row seats just so they could be near Chris. When his speeches were over, ranchers would rush up and shake his hand and congratulate him on the marvelous speeches. He could pronounce the term "sheep feed" with such powerful emotion as to bring tears to the eyes of the ranchers. Every sheep rancher agreed that Chris was the very best rancher in all the SBSR. Well, all except a few, but they generally kept their mouths shut.

Over the years, Chris began to have misgivings about some of the sheep ranching schools. Those schools, in his opinion, were turning out young sheep ranchers who weren't managing their ranches like his. He was sure they were learning ludicrous ranchology which, in his opinion, could bring the death knell to the sheep ranching business, not only in Texas, but in all the land. Chris decided the root of the problem was those awful liberal teachers up at the sheep ranching schools. They were teaching the fledgling young student ranchers the ranchology of the European sheep ranchers. They were teaching heresy about the Holy Shepherd’s Manual.

The European sheep ranchers, especially those in Germany, had liberal ideas about sheep ranchology. He was sure the local sheep ranching schools were beginning to copy the ranchology practiced in Germany. The young sheep ranchers in Europe had been, in Chris’ opinion, transformed into leftward leaning lions. They had been taught to devour sheep instead of feed them. As Chris saw things, the lions were devouring the sheep, the results of which would bring the total demise of local sheep ranching. He was sure the professors at the six SBSR schools of ranchology were the blame. He was certain the young whippersnapper ranchers were falling prey to the liberal German ranchology which the liberal professors were teaching in the SBSR schools of ranching. Yes, the problem was rooted in the ranching schools, because it was spreading to the ranches. To Chris’ way of thinking, the younger sheep ranchers were being fed liberal ranchology by leftward-leaning lions in sheep’s clothing. And he was mighty getting sick of it.

So Chris, fully determined that the local sheep ranching schools were going to the lions, hired himself a young foreman for his ranch. He decided to start his own sheep ranching school right on his own ranch. He appointed his new foreman, whose name was Chapter Peterson, to be the head of the school. Chapter had his doctorate from sheep ranching school and had written paiges and paiges of material about how to herd sheep. Shoot, he had written one book with enough paiges to make the book three chapters long.

Chris called his school, CHRIS WELL'S SHEPHERD'S MANUAL INSTITUTE. He figured if his own name was attached to the school, it would get more credibility among the sheep ranchers of the land. And it did. At least it did to the closest admirers of the great sheep rancher. His new ranching school attracted many student ranchers.

Chris even wrote a book to combat "bad professor" problem. Inasmuch as the infidel professors up at the schools of ranchology weren’t taking the Holy Shepherd’s manual to be literally true, he wrote a book which addressed the problem. The title of his book was, WHY I BELIEVE THE SHEPHERD'S MANUAL IS LITERALLY TRUE. Of course it was an instant best seller and all of the admiring sheep ranchers in the Southern Brotherhood of Sheep Ranchers wanted a copy of it. Only a very few sheep ranchers expressed negative thoughts about the book. But they generally kept their mouths shut.

There came a day, shortly after the dark and stormy night, when Chris began to think deeply. Thinking deeply wasn't one of his strong suits, but he didn't know it. The brethren of the SBSR didn't know it either. As far as they were concerned, shallow thinking was equivalent to deep thinking.  Although he had not seen one face to face, he was sure that a significant number of the teachers in the local sheep ranching schools were evil leftward-leaning lions dressed in sheep skin. He could tell by the smell of things. Or at least he thought he could tell. For some strange reason, his sense of smell seemed to tell him the lions smelled a lot like skunks. Now how a lion could smell like a skunk is anybody’s guess, but Chris sure thought this was the case.

As he thought about these unthinkable things, he decided that something desperately needed to be done about sheep ranching schools. Indeed, according to Chris's thinking, if something wasn't done about those stinking lions in the ranchology schools, the whole sheep ranching industry could be in serious jeopardy. In fact, if the lions weren't eradicated from the faculties of these schools, the entire Southern Brotherhood of Sheep Ranching was surely doomed.

So Chris began giving speeches at sheep ranches around the land. He managed to get himself invited to be on the programs at the national convention of the SBSR. His message always contained many references to the liberal leftward-leaning lions and how they were so dangerous. He talked of how lions were spreading heresy about the Holy Shepherd's Manual. He told about student sheep ranchers sitting at the feet of these liberal leftward-leaning lions, being led down the path of becoming liberal leftward-leaning lions themselves. It was certainly a grim picture.

Every time Chris gave a speech, the ranchers would sit in absolute awe. Although none of them had ever seen any of those liberal leftward-leaning lions, they were sure it must be true if Chris said so. They were absolutely certain that Chris could spot a liberal leftward-leaning lion a mile away. Nobody wanted to refute Chris because his stature exceeded any of the sheep ranchers in the whole dadburn country. After all, he was the most prominent one of them all. He was tall enough to cast a shadow all the way from downtown Dallas out to Texas Stadium in Arlington. His shadow reached almost to Ft. Worth. He had to be right about what he said.

Chris's speeches were extremely popular. While he spoke, the ranchers would say things like, "Amen Chris..!!" And, "Teach on, Brother..!!." And, "Tell it like it is!!!"  During and after the speeches, they would whistle and applaud loudly while giving him standing ovations. Because Chris was definitely telling it like it was. Never mind the fact none of the sheep ranchers had ever seen a liberal leftward-leaning lion either close up or far away. But then, none of the ranchers wanted anybody else to know they hadn't seen any liberal leftward-leaning lions because that would be a dead give away to the fact they didn't know what Chris was talking about.

Chris needed a plan for some kind of formal action to rid the sheep ranching schools of the lions. Simply giving speeches about the lions wasn't enough. To his way of thinking, his speeches did nothing but get a few "amens" while the liberal leftward-leaning lions were continuing to infiltrate the schools of ranchology. Something simply had to be done. There had to be a plan whereby the schools could be eradicated of the evil leftward-leaning lions. Finally one day, Chris hit upon the idea of going outside the industry to find help. He remembered that when all else fails, one can always go find a lawyer.

It turns out that Chris's ranch foreman, Peterson, had a lawyer friend who lived down the road. Peterson's friend was Lester Presley. Lester was a flashy lawyer and a pretty smart guy. He was a slick operator. He was so good that he could hit the jugular of an opponent in court quicker than a mongoose could on a cobra. He was greased-lighting with words. Although Presley wasn't into sheep ranching himself, he thought he knew all about the business. He was forever giving advice in the weekend Holy Shepherd's Manual classes at various ranches around the region. When Presley heard Chris's story about the leftward-leaning lions, it raised his ire by 30 degrees. He joined Chris in making speeches about the evil leftward-leaning lions in the sheep ranching schools around. He gained a wide following among the sheep ranchers and was soon looked upon as being an expert on leftward-leaning lions infiltrating the ranching schools. All the ranchers thought Presley knew a lot about ranchology despite the fact that the lawyer had never spent a day in ranching school.

One day Chris gathered Presley and Peterson into his office and declared that a formal plan of action had to be developed. There the rancher, the foreman, and the lawyer discussed what must be done about the evil lions. Finally, Presley hit upon an idea. "Here's what we do, Chris."

"And what might that be?" said Chris.

"You may not be aware of this, but leftward-leaning lions are mortally allergic to vinegar."

"No kidding?" replied Chris.

"Yes, it's true," assured Presley.

"How do you know?"

"Well, when you spray vinegar on a lion, it makes him stink and nobody wants to be around him. It makes him easier to spot because it stains his skin and when one comes around, people can smell him for what he is. And he'll be driven away immediately by all the sheep ranchers who smell him."

"Presley, are you sure this will work?" inquired Chris.

"I'm absolutely positive it'll work. There's an added benefit to this method of keeping the leftward leaning lions away. When you spray'em with vinegar they stay away permanently. And if you keep the ranch sprayed, you'll never have to worry about any leftward-leaning lions being around the ranch. They won't come within a hundred miles of the ranch if you keep the place sprayed," Presley pontificated.

Chris said to Presley, "I'm not believing my ears. What concrete proof do you have that spraying leftward leaning lions with vinegar will solve the problem?"

"Well, you don't see any leftward-leaning lions around my place do you? I've been spraying vinegar around my place for years and I haven't had a single lion come around. I tell you Chris, it works every time."

"Amazing, simply amazing," mused Chris.

"Yes it is amazing. I suggest you tell Foreman Peterson to take some hired hands and go around the fence line, spraying vinegar on both sides of the fence. Douse everything down good. Spray your own ranch school so there won't be any leftward-leaning lions come near it."

The wheels in Foreman Peterson's head were turning like mad. He had been sitting there thinking about the conversation between Chris and Presley. A light came on in his tiny mind and he just had to share the idea. Foreman Peterson jumped right up in Chris’s face and excitedly exclaimed, "Boss, we could spray our own ranch for leftward-leaning lions, and take it a step further. We could take the idea to the next SBSR convention and share it with the other ranchers. We could start a big spraying campaign and spray the whole land for lions. If all the sheep ranchers sprayed for lions we could eradicate the lions just like we eradicated the screwworm. There hasn't been a bad case of screwworms in years here on the ranches. They're completely eradicated."

"Bingo!", said Presley to Peterson, "You're a smart boy."

"But, do you think it'll work?" asked Chris.

"It's bound to work," said Peterson. "As Presley already told you, he hasn't had a lion on his place in years. All we need to do is convince the other ranchers that the vinegar treatment is the way to go."

"Sounds like a good idea to me," said Chris. "If we don't do something quickly we'll be put completely out of the sheep ranching business. If we don't purge the ranching schools of the leftward-leaning lions, the SBSR will go down the drain. It will be the death knell for all of us. Heaven knows that we must save the SBSR from the leftward-leaning lions. They've infiltrated the ranching schools and are devouring our lambs."

Presley wasn't finished with the explanation of the plan. "Here's what we gotta do," he said. "We've got to start the spraying program and continue it for at least ten years. It'll take at least a decade of vinegar spraying before we can eradicate all the lions from the ranches and the ranching schools. Those lions are hardy animals. They don't leave quickly. And if you don't keep the campaign going they might come back and haunt us."

So Chris, Presley, and Peterson took their plan to the next SBSR convention and shared their idea. Chris made an impassioned plea to the ranchers to join him in spraying vinegar around the ranches and the ranching schools. Although none of the ranchers at the convention had ever seen a lion on their place, nor had they ever seen one in person, they were sure that if Chris declared the ranching schools were teeming with leftward-leaning lions, it must be true. Not one of the ranchers who loved and respected Chris wanted the lions around. Chris was the sheep ranchers' prophet with honor. When Chris said, "sheep feed," the ranchers openly wept. When, with a tear in his eye, he passionately proclaimed, "The Leftward leaning lions ARE DEVOURING THE LAND," they wept even louder.

And so it came to pass that the SBSR bought the plan to begin a massive vinegar spraying campaign. The sheep ranchers went about the land spraying vinegar everywhere. Every ranching school was doused with vinegar. Every fence line was sprayed with vinegar. Everything got the vinegar treatment.

TWENTY YEARS LATER:

Chris's great nephew went to visit his uncle's sheep ranch. He was observing one of the hired hands out spraying a sour smelling substance around the fence line of the ranch. It seemed strange to him that such a thing should be done. He sidled up to his grandfather's brother and asked, "Uncle Chris, what is that guy doing?

"Well, he's spraying vinegar around the ranch. It's a preventive management procedure we do here on the ranch."

"What's he preventing?"

"He's spraying to keep the leftward-leaning lions away."

"Really? Does it work?"

"You don't see any leftward-leaning lions do you?"

"No."

"Then it works perfectly doesn't it?"

"Uncle Chris, when were the lions around?"

"Well, Son, back in the ‘70s, this place was teeming with leftward-leaning lions. There were lions everywhere. There were lions on the ranches. There were lions in the ranching schools. They were threatening to kill all the ranchers and destroy the ranches. The ranches were on the verge of going down the river. But me and my hired hand and a lawyer developed a plan of spraying vinegar as a preventative measure to drive the leftward-leaning lions away."

"Really?"

"Yes, it's true. If we hadn't begun that spraying campaign, we would never have turned things around so we could be free of leftward-leaning lions in sheep ranching country. Thank God, we are now free of all the leftward-leaning lions in these here parts. You won't find any lions anywhere these days on the ranches, or in the ranching schools. Vinegar is a wonderful anti-lion substance."

"Tell me more, Uncle Chris."

"Well the spraying program was so successful that we gained control of virtually all of the schools of ranching. There are no more leftward-leaning lions in the schools. In fact it was such a wonderful success that my foreman, Chapter Peterson, is now president of the Southeastern School of Sheep Ranching. And here's the icing on the cake. Peterson was elected President of the SBSR at the last ranchers convention in Saline Pool City. The beautiful thing about his election was that it only took twenty years for Peterson to go from being a mere foreman of a ranch to president of the national ranchers organization. Can you believe that? Isn't it wonderful? Isn't it just marvelous?

"But Uncle Chris, please tell me what one of those leftward leaning lions looked like. Please take me to the part of the ranch where they lived. I'd like to see a leftward-leaning lion's den. Please tell me more about the leftward-leaning lions..."

October, 1998